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Out of my mind, back in 5 minutes
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| This is my last full "non school night" for a while |
[05 Jul 2009|02:09am] |
So. Here I am.
Summer vacation is over, for what it was worth, and now school's about to start again.
They kinda pulled the rug out from under me as far as scheduling goes
( read for schedule awfulness )
I think that there should be a rule "there are not allowed to be more exams then there are weeks in a term". 24 week term with 25 exams? no, sorry, gotta take out some exams (with my luck they'd extend the semester!).
I've had kind of a bummer of a summer. Nothing particularly awful or anything like that, just been a little down, I'm not entirely sure why. The impending dread over the a fore mentioned schedule comes to mind.
Robby and I had an absolutely ridiculous ... I don't even know what to call it. Whatever, it's behind us now, and that's all that matters. He's the person here that knows me the best out of anyone, and I'd be far MORE miserable with out him. And let's be honest, I'm pretty damn miserable since moving here, so that'd seriously suck. I'm actually pretty impressed at how this "having an exboyfriend for a best pal" thing is working out. I'm a lucky girl, I can tell you that.
That's pretty much the only consistent bright spot in my life, my friendship with Robby. That and the fact that Jess moved down here recently, unfortunately she's studying for the bar like it's her job...which, I guess at the moment, it is. Thank God the boards aren't like the bar. I mean, they're close, but you can study for the boards in (from what I understand) 28 days...you CANNOT study for the bar in 28 days.
I'm really scared of failing. I'm worried about that schedule, I'm worried about my capacity to pass step 1 next June. I worry CONSTANTLY about my ability to be a...you know, physician.
Mom an dad are here, it's nice having them around. We went to see fireworks tonight...well, we TRIED to. Pine Island park? TOTALLY not where mapquest says it is. So I made an executive decision and drove over to campus. For future reference, top floor of the parking garage makes for an AMAZING 360 degree view of Miami, Davie, ft Lauderdale, sunrise, plantation, Hollywood, Hallendale, Lauderdale by the Sea...and a bunch of other places that were shooting off fireworks. It was BEAUTIFUL.
Came home, put dinner in the oven. Mom and dad really liked it :) I like to cook. (man, I'm writing like a 6 year old tonight. sorry folks). Put together a nightstand...twice...apparently I put the damn drawer together backwards. Honest to God, I'm not a dumb woman, but somehow...building things from those types of instructions escapes me.
I guess i should go to bed. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately, I don't want to take anything, I'm just really not a fan of that approach. Meh.
I have to miss SDCC (fuck), MiniMegaCon (Fuuuuuuck), Meg's Wedding (fuckfuckfuckfuck I can't believe I'm missing megan's wedding. fuck fuck fuck) and a few other life events I'd rather not miss.
Yesterday was the 36th anniversary of dad's proposal to mom. We went to the pirate's game, which was kind of cool, since that's where he proposed (obviously, not in dolphin stadium...in 3 rivers in Pittsburgh, but still). I got them to put a message on the scoreboard (which they wouldn't do 36 years ago, so dad had to hire a plane). This would have been WAY more special if the message had been up for longer then 1.5 seconds (literally) and my parents had SEEN it. Meh. Thought that counts, right?
My parents are adorable together. I want that someday. I don't think I get to have that, or that I'm cut out for it, but I want that someday.
I remember what being happy felt like. I also remember what being in love and loved felt like, something tells me those are 3 feelings I probably won't be stumbling across anytime soon.
Kinda hate everything right now, dunno why. It's not school. I like school, I like learning, I like being challenged. I don't like feeling like my school is out to get me (which is how I feel when I look at our new schedule). But, you know. Can't win em all.
Maybe something more introspective or...you know, substantive later. Maybe not.
I'm not even entirely sure people read this thing anymore.
On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure I have anything to say, so it all works out in the end I suppose.
If you read all of this, feel free to contact me and let me know, I feel you've probably earned a cookie for your trouble.
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| *aheam* |
[23 May 2009|01:20am] |
I've finished my first year of medical school.
woah.
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| sleep? what? |
[21 May 2009|04:38am] |
So I kind of have a problem.
I slept yesterday from about 3:30 till about 9:30. Whoops. That's a full nights sleep for me (and then some, lately!) so now I'm up. I've got 10 pages of mycology left to read to finish the packet. So I figure I can do that (by 5:15 or so) then take a 4 hour nap before my OMM appointment.
Study from about 11-6, nap from 6-11, get up and study from 11-10 and take my LAST FINAL OF M1 YEAR. This test isn't a big deal, by any means...i could not show up and still get a...I think a 75 in the course. But, honestly? I don't have anything BETTER to do and I'll be really pissed at myself if I let my decent grade in the class slip that low. The stupid thing is even if I get a 100 on the test I can only get about 13 points better than that! And we all know I'm incapable of getting 100's on ANYTHING. I'm shooting for about a 33/40. It'll give me a nice solid grade in the class. Considering how scared I was of micro going in, I'm pretty excited about that.
And so, I study. Because, it's what I'm used to by this point.
ciao kids!
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| One more! |
[20 May 2009|09:26pm] |
I've taken 22 exams this semester (HOLY CRAP!).
I have ONE left.
ONE!
ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE ONE
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| Wrap Up |
[16 May 2009|12:23am] |
So today, we had a review for physio. A 2 hour review for physio. Which normally, I'd piss and moan about, especially since it ran 12-2. But really? who the hell cares! It was my last medical school class of M1 year!
I guess that's some kind of milestone. I have 6 more days till the end of finals and then I'm free for 6 GLORIOUS weeks!
I'm pretty excited about this.
I'm also excited that our radiology grades got adjusted (UP!).
I can do this. Only a few more days.
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| O.o |
[09 May 2009|08:11pm] |
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I have a date.
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| You try to do something nice... |
[25 Apr 2009|06:48pm] |
So today i went shopping! Old navy has this kickass coupon site (http://www.oldnavyweekly.com) that updates every thursday. This week I was fortunate enough to snag some great coupons (75.00 off a 100.00 purcahse? YES PLEASE!) so I went shopping today, thinking I'd do soemthing nice for http://www.womenindistress.org/ . So I went and got about 200.00 worth of baby/kids clothes for about 25.00 (coupon + 50% off clearance!)
I'm standing in line with this armload of baby clothes and I hear the voice of the woman behind me say to her kid (who must have been like 17?) "see honey, that's why you don't have sex until you're married and out of school. When you have a child you don't want to have to be shopping at discount stores for your baby clothes at 50% off using coupons. You want to be able to provide for your family"
.............Well shit...................I couldn't just let THAT go, now could I?
So I replied with something along the lines of:
yeah, the only thing that could suck worse then not being able to provide for your baby would be taking your teenaged daughter to a discount clothing store and buying her clothes using coupons (which, by the way ALL the other kids will know were probably dirt cheap) all the while teaching her to pass judgement on strangers who happen to be standing infronot of her in line buying clothes for women in distress who have run away from abusive husbands with their children. Seriously lady, way to damage a perfectly good child.
...........maybe I could have handled that better?
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| UGH |
[16 Apr 2009|04:12pm] |
I am *so* out of it and "fuzzy" since getting back here :(
There's seously soemthing missing in my life. Sanity maybe?
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| Oh. Crap. |
[12 Apr 2009|05:04pm] |
So. Spring break came, and spring break went. Whoops.
I had all these plans to be SUPER PRODUCTIVE over spring break, but with dad being in the hospital it just didn't happen.
So here's the agenda. Thankfully I can do all this crap at 2x speed. so it'll really help speed thigns along (this list is more for me then for you, so feel free to skip over it)
I have 39 days till I'm not an M1 anymore. 39 days. I can do this. Keep my head down and just push on through.
( What I need to be caught up (AKA: what I PLANNED to do over spring break) )
and finally, finsih off the semester with a parisitology exam on 5/22. Sleep for an entire week, then go back to Orlando I guess. Maybe travel up to NY for a bit.
Seems pretty do-able, right?
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| *aheam* I'm a live. |
[30 Mar 2009|02:36pm] |
Resp. Phys - Pass
Neuro-Pass
immuno-Pass
Renal Phys-Pass
OPP-Pass
Neuro-Pass
Biochemistry-Pass
Public Health (joke)-Pass
SPE-Ummm Prob. Fail but it's ok.
Neuro/GI Phys - Pass
Bacteriology-Pass
I feel...pretty, freakin good right now.
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| For those of you keeping score... |
[10 Mar 2009|11:44am] |
I'm still alive.
Every damn day I have a fight with medical school to see who will come out ontop. yesterday morning (neuroanatomy final) it was unfortunately, medical school. I don't know HOW I can get a 70 on a test where the avg is an 87...but somehow, i've managed. It's pretty much a given that for any "easy" test (take the OPP Pratical for example) where the avg is high (above an 85) I will do ABYSMIALY on it. Take however respitory physiology, where the avg was something like a 79 or an 80, and I will murder it (somewhere to the tune of 94%). Now...can someone tell me wtf is going on? I think maybe I over think, the simple tests murder me, the complicated ones seem to suite me better.
For example, EVERYONE (without exception) says the neuroanatomy midterm is WAY harder then the final. Yet, I scored in the neighborhood of 20pts HIGHER on the midterm then I did on the finel.
WTF. Seriously.
In other news: I miss Robby. Pretty much every day. It just sucks to know that nobody's thinking of me...I know that sounds lame...but it is what it is.
This is not to say that I'm not moving on with my life or whatever. Totally am/have. It's just irksome.
Nate and i are speaking again (try to keep up lol), and my penguin has moved back home to a colder iceflow :(
The frownie was for alison moving, not for nate and I speaking...nate and I speaking gets a smiley..........mostly. *shifty eyed glare*
I just got permission to switch my lab day from tuesday to thursday. Thank God. Now I can do IGC on Tuesdays and NOT be fried after my test on monday. Neuro kicked my ass. I'm so freakin tired. This also works out as teh girl who tutors me is in group A, and now our schedules match a littel better.
My grades are really good right now. Not sure THAT'S gonna last. but it feels really good. My plan was to REALLY hit the books hard first 1/2 of the semester and then allow myself some breathing room. I have done this, and I'm happy. Now I can relax the strangle hold on my accademics.
I'm still really lonely here. I've got nate and nicole and michelle and liz and leighanne and jax, for sure...but It's not the same...I feel like nobody here knows me WELL and that nobody really cares to. It's a really sad and lonely feeling. And I mean, this is a two way street, I haven't really REACHED OUT to anyone to try to get to know them on a deeper level either, so maybe it's my fault for not continuing to push that first step...I don't know. I love it here, and I love my life and what I've chosen to do. I just feel sad that I feel like I have to do it alone. I think the stress of school has a lot to do with it.
Despite being lonely, and feeling a little overwhelmed at times, I am, in general, happy. There's a piece of my life that feels like it's missing, that wasn't missing when Iw as with robby, so I'm going to go ahead and assume that it's the loneliness thing...But i'm happy with myself as a person and don't need to go running to look for another relationsihp, that's not waht I'm getting at.
Life's good here. In theory, I sould be able to pass all my classes this term (horrah passing). Maybe I'll take some time to travel a bit this summer. Go back to italy...greece. Something. Who knows.
I'm feeling really apathetic right now. On the up side, I dont' have to go to lab this afternoon, as I've now switched to thursday. w00t. So now I have an afternoon off.
I will spend an hour going over CP, 2 hours reviewing neuro and 2 hours on biochem. That sounds like a solid plan. Be done with school around 7...get myself a nice dinner and tehn...uh...come home and sit by myself. Great. You see? I'm SO GOOD at studying now....SO good at budgeting my time...but I have noone to share my free time with and it blows.
IN other news: only 4 tests stand between me and spring break. They are:
Next week:
Modnay: Biochemistry
Wednesday: SPE
The following week
Monday: Physiology
And finally the next week
Modnay: Bacteriology
then two GLORIOUS MONDAYS without tests. TWO! I really wish that the BacT exam was teh monday AFTER spring break, rather then the monday before...but whatcha gonna do? Besides, I think my classmates would murder me if they ever heard me say that. but w/e.
Till nexttime loyal readers.
Drop me a comment and say hi or something. I msis you all.
Actually
REWIND
Leave me a comment and tell me about some new development in your life. I feel really detached lately. :)
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| Huh. |
[23 Feb 2009|01:00am] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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I really don't get why this hurts so much. It's fuckin crazy. I WASN'T WITH HIM FOR THAT LONG. We have a chance to maybe cultivate something in the future. He's a wonderful person and we're friends and he still cares about me (and visa versa). He still finds me attractive (which is always nice to know)
THIS IS STUPID I NEED TO NOT FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE AND I NEED TO NOT BE ALL SNIFFLEY ALL THE DAMN TIME.
honest to God. this is ridiculous.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he was very much my sanity down here. He was the person who I could go to and spend time with who had NOTHING to do with school...
That might be a big part of it.
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| AHHHH |
[22 Feb 2009|03:08am] |
Physio is freakin' me out.
I feel like I know nothing about renal.
On the up side...I took a break for 2 hours today and went to see Coraline with Robby. It was quite the awesome.
We're still working on the "friend" dynamic. I think it's pretty impressive. It's been a week...and we can hang out no problem
Me: "Yeah...I dunno, I mean, I won't lie, I'm sad. I liked being your girlfriend, you made me very happy"
Robby: "well, if it makes you feel any better, you TOTALLY lost the case on procedure, not on merit"
Me: "....................."
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| OK |
[19 Feb 2009|01:24am] |
Alright.
I'm good.
Kind of?
So here's the thing. I was talking to Robby tonight (because I got all pissy that he didnt' call me for dinner, as we'd tenitively planned to have dinner) ... miscommunication had ensued as well as a calendar misread (don't ask)...So we're having dinner tomorrow instead. Anyway. I was talking to him tonight and he's SO slammed at work, the last thing he needs is the stress of having a girlfriend to deal with, not that I'm a particularly stressful girlfriend...it's just, anything added you know?
It would have grated on me, it would have worn our relationship down to nothing and we would have wound up seriously disliking eachother...that'd be so sad. he's so wonderful and we're so great together. We have great chemistry...maybe that'll work as friends? We'll see. I'm willing to give it a shot.
I'm ok.
What he did left me feeling sad and thrown away. It left me feeling worthless and unimportant. But that's not what he meant to do. Nor what he wanted to do, and now, I'm able to see, that's not what he did. I was looking at things very much the wrong way I think...I was thinking that he didn't think I was special or important...but no.
As much as I want to stand by him and support him when things in his life are so tough, because I care about him...Right now, I'm in no position to do that, and he's not in the position to let me. I need to have someone around that's...well, you know, around. And I understand that.
We're better off being friends I think for right now. And the only reason I'm OK with is whole thing is because we CAN be friends. Like I said, we talked on the phone tonight, and it really ... well I was really worried about how it'd go. I'd be worried that I wouldn't know what to say, or how to act...but it was fine. It was totally natural just to ask him about his day and tell him about mine (oh hai, constance forgot she had an SPE today).
I'm happy to be there for him and to continue to get to know him as a friend. If we get the oppertunity for something else in the future, I'm sure that'd be awesome. If not, well, I've made a great friend and learned A LOT about myself. Can't complain about that.
Ok. No more crying.
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| DAMNIT |
[16 Feb 2009|08:14pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
] |
I want to understand.
And all I've heard all day is that I'm stupid for believing the things he said.
Because I really hoenstly do believe them. I feel like he wouldn't lie to me.
Maybe that makes me stupid.
I feel like he cared about me. I hope he sitll cares about me, he said he did.
I really just want this all to be OK, and it's not going to be, because he won't let it and that's really crushing.
I feel like I was disguarded without a second thought, like I didn't matter at all. That I was inconvienant so I had to go.
and boy. does THAT suck.
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| Exam's over...lets go vomit! |
[16 Feb 2009|10:52am] |
So I finished that assrape of a micro exam, that really wasn't very much like the practice tests at all. Which I found disturbing. But w/e. I passed it. I think.
and i'm on my way out, talking to a classmate. and of course, I'm feeling rather wheepy (and wearing my sunglasses inside. Extra bonus. I only wear sunglasses when I cry...i hate people seeing that. I should start wearing them when I'm in the sun. hum.).
So I'm standing there...and I take my last sip of coffee...........
AND THERE'S A FINGERNAIL IN IT
EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW
and yes. I'm aware that I'm going to be a doctor and that no, I shouldn't get so easily grossed out...BUT IT WAS A FINGERNAIL. IN MY COFFEE.
It led to an insta-vomit reaction.
Very nice.
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| Boy. You know what sucks? |
[16 Feb 2009|01:39am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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Breaking up with your boyfriend.
That pretty well sucks.
So robby suprised me tonight :) He drove up here to have dinner with me. It was a really nice, out of the blue thing. We had a great time. We always have a great time. We came back to the house and he cracked my back (thank god. damn thing was twisted like a spiral staircase)...he spent like...5 minutes just rubbing my back after..which is strange, he never does that. But it was really nice... and then, I went to get up and try to kiss him and...he asked if we could go for a walk. He's NEVER ducked a kiss from me. Something was weird.
This struck me as kind of odd, I could tell somethign was on his mind...So we went for a walk, and I asked him what was wrong. He asked me if we stopped dating, if he'd never see me again, because he couldn't handle that...and when I said no, that I wouldnt' be happy with that either, he told me that he couldn't give me what I desrved, both time wise, and emotion wise. So, realizing that my boyfriend was breaking up with me, for what I can only discern as "the strangest reason EVER" I got a little cheesed off. I mean, really, shouldn't I have some say in this decision? ANY say in this decision? Well appreantly I do have a say, just not enough of one for it to matter.
When I told him I was fine with how things are, that I'm fine with dealing with the fact that I dont' get to see him often, and that I know with the promotion he just got that he was going to have even LESS free time...he told me that he wasn't OK with it. and that it hurt HIM tnot to be able to see me (I should share that I'm not sure how breaking up with me remidy's this situation)...
He said he woudn't ever fall in love with me. He told me tonight that he was untruthful in that statement...which both made me feel wonderful and f'in awful. So we spent an hour and 15 minutes outside, with me crying, because I'm a loser. I actaully wasn't crying until he grabbed me and hugged me. Then I pretty well lost it.
This just BLOWS. I dont' think you people understand how happy I was. I've never been so in sync with another person. I told that to Robby...and he agreed, we are ridiciously compatable. And we're great together...this just seems collossialy unfair.I asked him if we could just date, casualy. He said he cold never "just casualy date me". He told me how special I am and how much I deserve...you know, all the lines that guys say every day. Robby isn't really the type to sugar coat things though...he tends to default to brutally honest. If I was annoying, or needy or not what he wanted, or just someone he didn't find attractive he would have just told me. I wish he hadn't done this...I mean, I get that there was nothing to "talk about" because it's not like we were having a problem that one of us could fix (short of him quiting his job or taking a step back, which I'd never want him to do because he loves his job, despite the demands it puts on him). So I mean...it wasn't like "we'd be OK if you'd just.........."
So the weirdest thing...is that he breaks up with me...and then...stays for 3 hours...he helps me take down my christmas tree (yes, hush, it was still up. It had hearts on it, it was a valentine's day tree!...or something). We talked...we hugged (a lot). It was so weird. All I wanted to do was kiss him. Though yes, I was smart enough not to try and do that thankyouverymuch.
He asked me if he got everything straightened out and if things were different in the future, if I'd ever give him another shot. My stupid ass self said "in a heart beat" because I would...and I'm stupid and honest.
This is so fucking weird.
I really just want him to call me and say "you know what, I thought it over, I'm willing to try to make this work for as long as you are"
but he won't.
We were talking and I said "I really can't believe I'm being dumped...we're so good together" and he looked at me funny. I couldnt' understand why he was looking at me so funny. So I asked him. He said that "dumping" meant different things to him then to me...that to him it means that you've decided you just don't want to be with a person anymore. And that's not what happened to us. that it's not that he doesn't want to be with me, it's that he in good concious, can't right now.
I don't get to be that happy, despite how special he says I am, I'm not that special, there's nothing about me that makes working through this difficult schedule problem we have wroth it.... and God knows. I'm not that lucky.
So much for that. I was REALLY happy for a few months. Happier then I've been in a REALLY long time. I'll deal. I always deal. I'm a fuckin pro at dealing.
Well I have a micro test at 9am. I'm sure this'll go WONDERFULLY. *sigh* at least I have 5 tests in this class.
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| Bummed goose - Is bummed |
[14 Feb 2009|06:39pm] |
I studied ALL day yesterday...AT DISNEY WORLD so that I could come back to Ft Lauderdale today and ignore microbiology.
Studying at disneyworld was pretty awesome though. I need to do that more often. I mean really, how often do you get to do immunology with a view like this?
So I studied all day. Hung out with jason that night (you know...when he got there...3 hours late. HA!)
and then flew back here at the ass-crack of dawn (yup. technical measure of time) to spend valentine's day with my fella :)
There was a BEAUTIFUL flower arrangement on my doorstep:
I was so excited :) they're absolutely beauitful.
So I set about my task for the day. Making robby an awesome dessert to celebrate soem really good news at work. Peanut butter cheesecake (that'd be peanut butter with melted reesees chips mixed into it) served layered with vaniella wafers in tiny chocolate dessert cups and covered with melted hershey's carmel+dark chocolate kisses.
So some of you might be thinking "constance, why are you posting to your LJ instead of spending time with your fella?"
Well, the answer to that wolud be: because he's not coming. He has to work. Which is fine...I know how busy he is.
I'm pissed though. Not at him. Just at the situation. He had no idea that he'd have to work today, so I'm TOTALLY not upset with him, it's just that I flew back at an ungodly hour (we live half an hour from the airport so it was ungodly and a half) so that I could see him.
Ah well. Such is life. Bummer.
He offered to come out here and cook me dinner. but it's SO silly for him to drive half an hour out here, cook for me, and leave. Especially if he's SO SLAMMED that he can't afford to take the time to spend teh day/night. This leads me to believe he probably shouldn't be taking the time to do that either!
meh.
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| Happy Valentine's Day! |
[14 Feb 2009|01:21pm] |
I know that it's "edgy and cool" to hate valentines day. To wear all black and sulk around (is that still "edgy and cool"? or did that go out in highschool?)
Anyway.
Take the day to celebrate the special people in your life. Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Parents, Friends. Whoever. We should all love every day, with everything we have, but since many of us don't...maybe you should try to take some time today to remember to do that :)
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